Letter's man Jacket

Ever since I could remember, I have always dreamed about getting a Letter's Man Jacket. This has been my one dream that I new that I could get if I worked hard enough. Not only do I think that it was the coolest thing ever but I also think that it means you are someone important. That you had a talent that you had worked so hard for and loved doing it. I imagine the feeling of getting one being like winning a gold medal in the Olympics.

Besides my religion, sports have been a constant for me in life. I love the feeling of being apart of a team. I love scoring a goal, making a basket, or getting a kill. This brings happiness to me. It makes me feel like I am unstoppable and no one can bring me down. It makes me feel like I belonged somewhere in this big world. Sports are my "safe zone." After my first concussion, it was extremely hard getting back into sports. I
was afraid of failure. I was afraid that I would get another concussion. I was afraid that I wouldn't be good enough because while I was basically at "brain rest", everyone else was practicing and getting better. I can't tell you of how hard this was to accept. But once I got back into sports and was getting better at them, I felt more confidence and was reassurred that I really could do anything and that I have value. But once my second blow to the head occurred, my confidence and reassurance disappeared.

At first, I thought that I would be able to get back into the sports like I did with my first concussion. I was making sure that I was eating good so that I could stay in somewhat good shape. One night, I came to the realization that I only have one brain. If I got another concussion, I possibly wouldn't be as lucky. I may not recover like I have with my two concussions. I could have more troubles. I could not nor can not take that risk. This is when I realized that I could not play contact sports for a while...possibly never again.

This was extremely hard for me... Can you imagine your one thing that you found joy and fun in, being taken away from you? Because of this, I have depression. Their were\are nights where my mom would have to come in and comfort me. Their have been countless nights where I would cry myself asleep. I have never felt so alone or hopeless... I have never felt so lost. I am still working on being able to watch sports on TV or in person. It crushes my heart to see other people being able to do something that I love and me not being able to do it. It's like a skinny person eating a chocolate cake in front of a plump person. It's not fun.

I guess that you can call me a great actor. When you look at me, you can see a girl who is always happy. You can't tell that anything is wrong. You see a smile. A few months ago it was to the point of where I didn't even know that difference between a real smile or a fake smile anymore. If I were to show what I was really was feeling, you wouldn't want to be around me because I would just bring you down. Just once, I've wanted someone besides my mom to look into my eyes and know that I was not ok and hug me. The only other person besides my mom that has done that is someone in my church who has had a couple of concussions herself and is having major back problems right now. For some reason, she understands me and I understand her.

I am still in shock that this concussion happened. I am still in shock that I can't play contact sports. I am still in shock that this has been my life for about 1 1\2 years. I was supposed to have the typical teenage life.